Don't read this

I am not writing this for you to read, as it will be miserable and self centred, but I am just writing it for my own record.
I'm off to the doc today. I have had a horrid three weeks; I feel low, weepy, depressed and lethargic, and despite the Seroxat dose being half of what it was i still feel just as sleepy. I have pulled out of my OU course as I didn't feel able to cope. I'm seeing the doc as I don't know what to do. Do I persevere or do I go back to the full dose of Seroxat? The only reason I came off it was because of the sleep problem and that is no better. I would have expected some kind of improvement by now. The withdrawal symptoms I can cope with - bouts of dizziness and tinnitus mostly, but I am discouraged by the drop in my mood. I liked myself before and I don't now.

Pulling myself together

I have been really down in the dumps this week - my diet has gone completely to pot, and I have been really miserable. Work has been stressful and difficult, but the main reason I think is that I am feeling that I don't want to do this OU course. It's the time factor bothering me; when I tell people what the course involves I still think it will be interesting, but I have been resentful about the lack of crafting and family time. However, I have kicked myself up the arse this morning and am now pulling myself together. I know that if I am not careful I will slide back into a depression and I really don't want that to happen, nor do I want to have to keep taking the medsn in order to be the person I like.
So - it all starts this weekend!!

Not sure how well you can see this, but this is the schedule I have worked out. It looks very tight to me, and although theoretically it gives me 18 hours a week to knit/stitch I'm not sure how that will work out in practice. Also there isn't much leeway for study missed due to occasions, tutorials etc etc.I had hoped to get a head start as the materials were due to be sent out last Friday, but the despatch date has been delayed to next Friday. As I fully expect to lose time when the baby is born, I need to get ahead as far as possible!
Ooh - just seen the pic is clickable!

Sleep matters

Does anyone get the right amount of sleep? Currently, to be happy, I need around 12 hours sleep every 24 hours, which is impossible except at weekends, so I am in a perpetual state of drowsiness. I am hoping that this is caused by the anti-depressants I am currently trying to drop and will get better. As I write this I feel like I just want to crawl into bed and sleep the clock round, but I had 6 hours sleep last night, 2 hours yesterday afternoon, 12 hours on Saturday night, 3 hours Saturday afternoon and 8 hours Friday night. Ken isn't sleeping very well either, and frequently wakes in the early hours of the morning, but to feel refreshed he only wants 6 or 7 hours anyway. My Dad maintains he gets no sleep at night, but spends a couple of hours a day asleep on the sofa in the late morning/early afternoon. I think that is a fairly usual pattern for the elderly. My Mum sleeps soundly but wakes and gets up at 7am as she has all her life; similarly my neighbours, who are in their late sixties, wake and get up every morning at 5am with seemingly no effort. (I wish I was like that!)
I can't work efficiently when I feel this tired; my mind is fuzzy and woolly and I have trouble concentrating. This is a problem for my OU work as well.
The annoying thing about it all is that about 9pm, I start to feel more awake, and then am reluctant to go to sleep, and frequently toss and turn for an hour or so.
I find it easiest to sleep in the afternoons!
Ah well. I start the next step of my Seroxat dose reduction this week - 3 weeks on 15mg.
Oh - and I gained weight this week rather than losing - despite being really good and not eating any of the luscious food and puddings I prepared for my parents on Friday night and Jenny and Chris on Sunday. So unfair!

Times they are a changing

I'm two weeks in to the great Seroxat weaning programme, and so far I'm OK. I had dizziness and nausea for the first four or five days but then it stopped, which is encouraging. On the other hand I have only reduced the dose by an average 2.5mg a day which isn't much. Nontheless I do seem to be waking a little bit easier - I woke on Saturday at 8am without the alarm, and managed the whole weekend without a nap. On the other hand, I didn't wake until 12 pm on Sunday, which is normal for me, but the Saturday was definitely an improvement. It remains to be seen whether it is psychosomatic or not. As I write, I could just crawl into bed and sleep the rest of the day away!!
Yesterday we bought some lovely solid wood drawers for my bedroom, which is great as all my drawers have been broken for the last 5 years or so! I should now be able to organise my bedroom properly.
The weight loss continues, although it is a bit up and down. I haven't lost anything this week and the only diversion was a chinese take away on Thursday. However, I am not disheartened - yet!! Seems odd that I have lost nothing this week, because all of a sudden people are noticing and commenting on my loss, which has been very encouraging.
I'm now reading Great Expectations for my Literature course, and am surprised at how much I love it. I remember reading it at school and hating it as it seemed really hard to understand and seemed very jumbled up. Now, however, I just love reading Dickens, he has such a wry way of writing.
I am worried about time for my course...20 hours a week is such a lot when working full time. Now Ken is working I have to pick up a lot of the housework again, which is really going to cut into my time. I am also completely in love with knitting again, and I want to get back to my stitching as soon as I have finished the baby knitting I am doing for new grandchild. Only 10 weeks to the due date now!
I have worked out a sort of schedule but to fit everything in I need to get up at 6am every day, and not much later at the weekend. I will have another look later on today, I think, and see what else I can come up with.

Great weekend

I've just had a really wonderful weekend! Firstly, Ken and I celebrated him getting a part time job on Friday evening by going to Fratello's. We had a lovely meal and some very nice wine, and I congratulated myself quietly on my OU result as well. Then, on Saturday, Ken and I met my schoolforiends Penny and Hilda for lunch. They had been holidaying in Wales together and called into Swindon on their way home. A meal out again at The Blunsdon Arms and Ken got more than slightly tipsy on the real ale they served! I was good and just had fizzy water, so I am now owed!! Then yesterday, Sunday, we took Mum and Dad to Weston-Super-Mare and had lunch at Druckers, saw the sand sculptures (piccies to follow), went on the galopers at Carters steam fair and then I met Michelle for coffee and we had a catch up which was fantastic.
So, all in all, a fab weekend. It played havoc with my diet, despite my best endeavors!
Today, I have just got back from the doctors, and she has agreed that it would be worth trying to come off the anti-depressants, so from today I start a programme of dosage reduction that will last about 4 months. I really, really hope this works, as I am convinced it is the Seroxat that causes my sleepiness.
Onwards and Upwards!

Good news

Ken has got a job!! It's only a part-time job as a kind of odd-job man, but I think it will suit him and not be too stressful. To be honest, I wasn't sure that he would ever work again; he has been reluctant to apply for vacancies and I have alternated between annoyance and concern about that. I was being unreasonable to get annoyed about it, because deep down I knew that his confidence levels were still really low and I was frightened that he would never get back to normal. He never will be quite the same as he used to be, but I think I am the only person who knows him well enough to realise that.
I am resentful in some ways; I had a breakdown 6 years ago that was far worse than Ken's, but I went on medication and was back at work after 6 months. Ken refused to take any medication and still hasn't recovered and will never work properly again. I do feel a bit angry that he took that route; I didn't feel I could because my money was needed for the family. I don't know how we would be managing now if I hadn't done that and wasn't still holding down a full time job. I suppose I feel Ken had the luxury of refusing to take meds when I didn't, and still needs to be protected a bit whereas I had to get on with it. Sour grapes on my part and I feel disloyal saying it, but it does get me down at times. Maybe now I have written it down I might get it our of my system.
Anyway, I have decided to try and come off my meds. I think 6 years is far too long, and forgetting to take them away with me the other week brought home just how invasive they are. I am sick and tired of feeling sleepy and drowsy most of the time, and I really do thnk that that is caused by the paroxetine, even though my doctor doesn't agree. Annoyingly, my doctor is on holiday until mid September so I can't get to see her before then.
It's hard to know if this is the right thing to do. I feel more well balanced and happy than I have for many many years, but it's hard to know how much of this is down to the pills and how much is down to just being older, not being responsible for 3 children anymore, being more content with myself and who I am, or whether it's the effect of the meds. Ken losing his job is the nightmare that always hung over me having happened so often, and now I know we can survive it maybe ithas changed me.
Anyway, I shall give it a try - I can always go back on it again if I need to!!